We live in a holographic universe. This is a realisation known by mystics down through the ages that was later qualified by physicist, David Bohm, a respected colleague and friend of Albert Einstein. It simply means whatever we perceive to be a universal truth will become our reality.
So if we project that ‘Everybody hates me, nobody loves me…think I’ll go and eat worms.’ That will most likely play out. It also illustrates how physics ensures we learn the lesson of the idiom, ‘Treat others the way you want to treated’ since others will mirror our behaviour back to us.
Similarly, we must treat ourselves with loving kindness or others will mirror the miserly and neglectful attitude we perpetuate on ourselves.
When we aren’t even aware of our needs, we put ourselves last or negate our needs constantly with mantras like, ‘You can’t afford that’ . This educates those around us how to treat us so we end up being taken for granted.
Ironically when we’re more miserly with ourselves we are often more generous towards others. This pattern may be unconscious as we seek approval, acceptance while sacrificing our own needs.
Understandably this can lead to feelings of resentment or an expectation others owe us something, whether that’s time or a degree of authority over their lives, causing others to distance themselves from the burden of obligation. This unspoken contract can be challenging to acknowledge, but restores trust when spoken to clear the air since most of our communication is non-verbal.
So it is inevitable that others pick up on our unspoken thoughts and feelings and this influences how they feel toward us. True giving is only when something is given freely, with no strings attached – when no conditions apply. Otherwise it is not an act of giving, but an act of control, be it overt or covert.
Often those who want to prove to themselves they are a ‘good person’ strive to be seen as an altruist – an ‘all-giving’ provider / nurturer for fear of being a burden or perceived as self-centred. This is not a sustainable ideal to try and uphold. For unless we identify our needs in a situation and speak up on our own behalf to meet them, we end up so burnt-out or sick, we end up becoming a burden to those around us.
Ultimately it’s in everyone’s interests that we exercise self-care and educate those around us that everyone’s needs are equal and as such need to be equally considered and honoured. it is through our individual choices we will together change the unsustainable expectation that a good person gives everything and asks nothing in return…an expectation placed on women and those working in more feminine industries.
This societal attitude is reflected in the low rates of pay in care professions, such as holistic wellbeing practitioners, childcare, healthcare, aged and disability care. The challenge is for those who over-give to stop the pattern of self-sabotage in their daily lives in every choice and then we will see this ripple out like a wave of social change as unrealistic perceptions change.
Take a moment to consider how you devalue your worth such as your time, understanding, talents or skills…notice what comes to mind and resolve to make a change. Now make a clear commitment to ensure your cup of self-love stays full by always checking in with yourself to see if it’s a clear yes before saying yes to others…so your gift is always true and your relationships authentic.
For a daily coaching session for 28 days to turn your life around check out my book, The 28 Day Happy Challenge here.